He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize