Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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