we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
