Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
