When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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