I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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