Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Green mimosas i think yes
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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