I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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