Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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