Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Randomize
