Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
