No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
