last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
