For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
