If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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