I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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