legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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