I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
