so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
