My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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