you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
