she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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