Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
