you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
