i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
