I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
