Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
