Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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