I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
