I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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