I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
