I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
