you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
