I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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