Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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