I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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