I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
