So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
