you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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