Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
