I wish I could teleport
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
