Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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