are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She tied me up with her honor cords...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
