She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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