dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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