Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
