the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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