You can't motorboat a personality
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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