I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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