we made out on top of his cat.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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