Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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