You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
