You made me cry and you don't even care
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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